angiepants [one pocket at a time]

On why I need to make room for Dance in my schedule

• A patient took a ‘father figure’ role to me when I told him I used to dance.  He then told me to take it back up while emphasizing “you should never lose a gift of the arts if you have it” 
• My Resident Hall is empty because of Memorial Day weekend and I just used our Skylounge as my ‘Dance Studio’.  It’s on the 11th floor viewing the Philly skyscape, so refreshing
• I need to get back in cardiovasular shape. Not the boring running kind I’m trying lately.
• I tend to go nuts at the Bar dancing, even when I’m not hammered, (it’s usually well received by friends, it justs make the bouncers cautious of me) because I only go out on a Blue Moon.

The up and down changing schedule of school makes consistent dance classes almost impossble.  I will make time for it more often when I find a chance.  It’s a promise.

On things I will miss of RA-dom

• Residents who meaningful reach out to me for help and advice
• Residents who invite me to their own floor events, dinners and club events
• Having my name known by people I have no idea who THEY are (both a blessing and a curse)
• Full freedom over floor/hall decorations
• The abilitiy to knock on doors for random hellos and catch-ups
• An older sister care and concern instinct on high level
• Baking really high quantity (and for free) for college students who will always think you’re Betty Crocker God.

On Odds & Ends that I should probably say ”okay” to

Is it weird if I don’t love the pristine, all newly renovated and electronic stocked apartments?  Usually they’re higher on my budget but they’re definitely manageable so I can’t really use my frugal excuse.

I think I like quirks.  I don’t want to move in somewhere that is perfect and I don’t need to add a bit of my touch.  That said, I don’t want walls peeling or holes in walls, but I think part of the fun of decorating is seeing potential then diving into work.  Quirks are fun.  Growing up I lived in a Victorian Farmhouse that had narrow stairs, a creepy small basement and something always left unfinished (the house is over 150 years old!).  I loved it and have fun stories of it.  It was more homey and welcoming.

Maybe it’s the creative side of me that I haven’t been able to let loose in a while because of being in graduate classes and an RA.  I don’t want something that is already created for me.  I want something I can work on and really feel comfortable making my own.

Maybe I’m just going nuts.  That would be a nice, simple answer to it all, wouldn’t it?

I forced myself to study outside today (lasted 20 minutes) and winded up thinking about 1. Missing walking my dogs in the suburbs, 2. Calling my cousin for a catch up call, 3. The 5 finals and 3 praticals I have this week, 4. The floor meeting I’m having at 9:30 tonight because somebody stole money, 5. How everybody else around me gets to sit on the lawn and relax, 6. Wanting to go Sunday Shopping, 7. Wanting to just keep fitting in my clothes from last year

All of this happened while I stared at a cherry blossom tree across the street.

I’m sick of nestling with note cards, scheduling a schedule, and hanging out with homework rather than just enjoying company of real life friends and the environment around me.  This is where I blow out a big breath and sigh.

On Breaking (bone) Borders

One of my professors is a honestly the most active and adorable older man I’ve met (If I could adopt him as my grandfather, I would).  I’m the only student in my DPT class he knows by name (“Angie”) so far because I had him in undergrad.  The man is one of the most intelligent minds I know.  He lectured on Metabolic Bone Diseases today so I took a step to ask about a subject closer to the core, Osteopenia.  Mostly, I want to know if I should personally get a DEXA to rule in or rule out any concern.

Decisions to come.

On finagling the future

Future Seeker. Optimist. Creative.  I don’t know which of those I think fits me best or if they all play equal roles.  I tend to love planning, decorating, organizing and just plain thinking about what’s wanted for the ‘future.’  In the past, that’s been a somewhat degenerative way of working for me. 

Currently, I think it’s okay.  I’m in school and constantly spend weekends dedicated to my studies while trying to remain a good, cheerful and reliable person to my friends and residents.  I don’t have crazy weekend stories to boast over or accomplishments to show (only being consistent with school).

So right now I’m okay allowing my mind to drift off and think about future kids names, what culinary adventures I’ll have when I have a full kitchen to work, or patients I can’t wait to work closely with.  My fast and early brought on school load is not the normal 21 year old route (which I chose myself!), but I’m dedicated and a hopeful at heart.

Today I got through talking and being completely honest about it

I told the whole story, even with some of the most embarassing facts, to 12 pairs of genuinely listening ears.  Legs shook and voice got wavery, but in the end I finised with a joke, steady hands, and a strong voice ready to ask sincere questions.

Its still uncomfortable release, but a release none the less.

On things you collect but never know 100%

You know what’s wild?  How much you don’t know about most people.  Yes, you gather tidbits of their history, their likes, their manners through conversations here and there, but how much total to do you really know about them?

Go through the majority of your good friends and even your family.  It’s usually a game of catch up with a friend and you might not even realize you don’t know everything about your parents. 

Just a couple of years ago, I found out one of my grandfather’s was an alcoholic.  That put a huge perspective change of my mother, my nanny, and the family dynamic she had to go through growing up (That grandfather has passed away when I was 10 so I have difficulty picturing  him as anything other than Good Ole’ “Tickly grandpa”). 

Or just the past couple of years I’ve gotten closer to some friends while trying to jump around between the old.  It’s embarrassing when you realize you don’t know what their plans for after graduating are, what the status is with their siblings.  It’s only through shared time and stories that you really have history and friendship. 

It’s easy to be interested in so many things and intrigued by so many people during your walk of life, but it’s key to add and grow onto those connections you’ve already made.  In a society that faults for wanting more, let’s not crave more food, more gizmos and gadgets, more money, but let’s crave more out of the people we surround ourselves with.  Get those stories from when they grew up, their high school experience, what they struggled with, what things they find most important in life.  Discovering and uncovering more about those you care about is the best gift imaginable.

Isn’t it a pretty basic equation?

I outreach.  We make plans.  You cancel plans. ___________ (Insert chirping crickest and me left not seeing you)

People, please stop ditching.  If you do, please have the decency to be the outreach-er next time.

On sorrows left to settle in the stomach

I’m stressed.  I don’t know how best make this sound intriguing, but that’s it.  I tend to ask others about their days, goals and frustrations-but I’m holding mine in writing instead:

• Finding Housing starting June 17^th and years after that.  (Btw: I’ve never paid for Housing, cable, or even know what it like to deal with a landlord and utilities)
• Being available to Residents.  Actually having time to discuss deeper things.  Being able to plan more fun events and decorate nicer hallways for them.  I want to be so much more for them at times.
• Getting in some kind of shape.  I feel overall plumper and having to be half naked for joint mobilizations and examinations during winter doesn’t help.
• Doing well in school.  There’s been a lot more pressure recently to ‘think’ like a good Clinical Practitioner and get lots of outside experience.  It’s a challenge to keep up on every part.

The last three days I’ve had sharp, needle pains in my stomach that are literally gut wrenching.  They lasted a few hours each and I was left unwilling to socialize with my classmates (friends!) next to me or completely incapable of comprehending 3 hour lectures.  I don’t eat ‘badly’ but I now have to put conscious effort into making everything basic, simple and non-aggravating to get off this tummy track.  This stress is hard to digest.

This is legitamely hard.  I have family and some good friends in this hometown.  Out of that batch-most are traveling back to their schools for New Years celebration while the remainder either don’t respond or just completely cancel on me.

It doesn’t make sense.  I’m not used to feeling upset about this.  At school, I really do have a whole gathering or friends.  Actually, usually too much that I’m exhausted and busy.  At school, I have a whole city that offers entertainment, comforting walks and friendly faces.

I want to embrace my hometown and the reconnect with the ones from it, but apparently its moved on without me or my friends have already decided to ditch it.

On Holiday Bells, Bows, and…Belly Blues?

My stomach My stomach My thighs.  These are the thoughts that pace around my head.  It’s truly a kooky, messed up system of thoughts.

I know it’s from lack of gym during Graduate Finals.

My family (some not seeing me for months and thought I was too thin) tell me I look “great, honestly great” with sincerity-even though I feel somewhat Gelatinous and gorged.  I’m not used to this.  There’s hopes that telling myself its winter and I need some ‘layers’ to not freeze will get me feeling motivated and pretty.  Unfortunately, I’m not good at Winter Breaks from badgering myself.

On attempts to perfect the definition of Perfection

Today I’ve realized, and admit, that I secretly want to be perfect.  And no, not the famous socialite, A++ student or supreme athlete kind of perfect.  This perfect is more having everything fitting, done, set.

I wish I could have multiple aspects of life in place, but there is always something that is slacking and needs work, isn’t there?

Nutrition, exercise, school studying, staying close to family, looking nice, being seen as caring by others, getting involved in volunteer opportunities.

It’s an interesting phenomenon.  We’ve all been told perfect is impossible but deep down-it’s still desired.  My interpretation of being ‘ideal’ is being quirky while dedicated and accomplished.  Unfortunately, that quirky interferes with ‘perfection.’  It’s a constant speeded pace in one direction with having to turn and trudge between the many paths.